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Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
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10:54 pm
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yes, i know that i owe everyone an update on my life..i've been fairly busy lately and sick. blargh!
but i just wanted to post that i have started to tackle the kitchen floor in the apartment that i'm currently living in (long story). let's just say that kitchen floor was in desperate need of cleaning...even after one round of using lysol and hot water on the floor, it only looks partially clean. it is definitely an improvement...i'm just wondering how many more rounds will it take for me to make it look completely clean and normal looking...i'm guessing 2 or 3 more rounds...yeah, me?
it just feels good that i'm finally getting off my arse and accomplishing some things =P
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| Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
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2:03 am - still alive
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yes, i know i haven't updated my lj in a VERY long time...i have been extremely busy...to say the least. a lot has happened and will be happening over the next couple of months...
i'm sorry if i abandoned my various friends..i did not mean to..most of it was that i barely had any time to breathe in the past year with graduate school (full time) plus two part time jobs plus extracircular activities (which was like another full time job). so yeah.
once i do catch my breath, i will update further. i do hope that i can still at least talk to some of my old friends. i do feel bad. hopefully you all are somewhat around...
'til i write again (or meet again)!
current mood:  sleepy
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| Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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8:30 pm - going on a trip...
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yup. that's right. in about three months (a little less now), i will be out visiting Donaithnen. I will be there for about a week before i have to come home and start earning some money again! (darn bills! =P)
anyway, i was wondering if anyone would want to get together during the time that i'm out there. it's after christmas and new years (so i think a good portion of my friends whom are normally out there will be gone for winter break). Please leave a comment if you want to do something and i will try to work something out (we are not fully sure what we will be up to because a part of that might be Donaithnen working =/).
g'night all!
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| Thursday, May 29th, 2003
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5:08 pm - random lego question
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does anyone happen to know where i can get a smallish lego bride and groom? If anyone has ANY info, i would greatly appreciate it!
(yes, i have already looked at lego's website and i have e-mailed them about it)
current mood:  contemplative
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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11:47 am - Update on Story
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heyla and greetings all!
this morning, while procastinating from homework, i worked on the story some more. I think i've changed things for the good, but i don't know for sure. If people could please read and "review" it, i would appreciate it! thanks!
"The Girl With No Feeling"
?Maryanna! Get away from the stove NOW!? My mom was always constantly screaming that at me (or at least some variation of it). She knew, like other small children, that I was not careful when it came to things that could possible harm me, like the stove in the kitchen or the grill out on the deck. What I did not know then but know now is that my mother was extra overly protective of me. I know you are thinking that it is just like 99.9999% of mothers but she went way over the edge of protectiveness at times. The reason why she was so over-protective of me was that she knew that my body would not respond to the heat or the extreme coldness, like normal children would. Even though I looked like a normal child, I was far from it because of an internal flaw. One very small problem. One that would brand and haunt me for the rest of my life. It would never disappear because it will be with me for the rest of my life.
</flashback>
?Mommy, what?s wrong with me?? Maryanna said. She was about 8 years old when this conversation takes place.
?What do you mean, Mary? You are completely healthy.? My mother said. Her mother liked calling her Mary, but when Maryanna was ever in trouble, her mother would call her by her full name instead.
?But I?m not. I?m not like the other children. I know that because of all the doctor?s appointments I go to and constantly hearing you and dad talking about me?? Maryanna screamed at the top of her lungs.
When Maryanna?s mother hears this, she did not know what to do. For a while now, her mother knew that she would have to explain things to Maryanna but she always hoped it was later, not sooner. Her mother always thought her husband and her had been quiet when discussing those things, but maybe that?s what tipped her off.
?Mommy, what?s wrong with me?? she asked again, hoping that her mother will explain things to her.
?Well, when you were born, you?you had a minor problem.?
?What?s that, Mommy??
?Well, you have problems with you body telling your brain when something is too hot or too cold. Therefore, you need to be more careful and more aware of your surroundings.?
?But what did I do to deserve this??
?You didn?t do anything, honey. It?s just medically, some people are more lucky than others.? Her mother couldn?t explain why something was the way they were. Her mother was completely heartbroken while trying to explain it because she knew no matter how hard she tried, Maryanna would feel bad about her condition.
</end>
For the longest time, I kept thinking I wasn?t lucky at all. Who would feel lucky to be born without nerve endings? If anything, anyone would feel ?extra? cursed by this freak of nature medical condition.
But I?m getting side tracked on what I was going to tell everyone about?my lovely years as a lab rat. Okay, so maybe I wasn?t caged or lived under extreme sterile conditions that were closely monitored by scientists marking down data. (well, I guess technically that did happen for a couple of months but that?s okay because it was only technically?) I will always remember when my mom first took me to see the doctor. It was the day of when I severely burned my hand on the stove. I didn?t realize that all of the various burners were on because my mom didn?t have pots and pans on all of the burners. As well, I didn?t feel the heat when I was leaning over the stove to get to the cabinet above it. My mom only knew that I did actually severely burn my hand when she demanded seeing my hands. She completely went crazy when she saw all of those various burns with me not crying or going hysterical. She knew there must have been something wrong with me, so we made a trip to Rick, my doctor.
</flashback>
I was about five years old when I first went to the doctor?s office with my really bad burns. The doctor?s name was Richard Mott. He always had my mom and me calling him ?Rick?. In the waiting room, there were various magazines and toys that I could have with but I tended not to be into those type of things. When I was younger, I tended to bring my walkman with me to listen to while waiting for Rick to see me. I tended to listen to the various albums by Madonna. I remember I used to love the album ?Like A Virgin?, when it first came out.
A nurse calls out ?Maryanna Winslow?. My mom nudges me to let me know that it is our time to go back to a room, even though I did hear the nurse just fine despite listening to the walkman. My mom and I would be lucky to only have to wait about 15 minutes in the room where Rick would see me. That day, it took longer for Rick to reach us. Apparently, he had some really bad emergency first thing that morning, so he was running late for the rest of the day. After a while, the door opened and Rick came through.
?So, what?s the problem today, Maryanna?? he said casually. My mom is quite known for over-reacting so he is quite used to me having some really minor thing that my mom, for some reason or another, thought it was major.
He came over to where I was sitting. I showed him my hand with no change in expression on my face. I think he was really surprised by the severity of the burns and the lack of hurt and pain on my face.
?How did this happen?? he said after realizing that the fact that my mother did bring me in for a fairly good reason.
?It happened earlier today. I had to go and take care of Robbie for a minute, while I was cooking. When I came back, I saw her by the stove acting all fine so I didn?t think there was anything wrong. When I demanded her to show her hands, I saw those burns but not one ounce of hurt or pain on her face. I had her put her hands in ice and then I called this office to try to get an appointment. I was pleased when Jeri said that we could be fit into this afternoon.? My mother said absently.
?Mrs. Winslow, I would like Maryanna tell me what happened.? Said Rick. He knew that I would give a better account of what happened and try to find any flaws in the events.
?Are you implying that there might be some domestic abuse going on?? her mother said shockingly. She knows that she has always been very caring and loving towards my brother, Robbie and me.
Having ignored my mother, he turned to me and said: ?So, Maryanna, what happened earlier today??
?I wanted to get some sprinkles from the cabinet that was near the stove. I hadn?t realized that my mother was using all of the various burners because she didn?t have pots on all the various burners. Therefore, when I needed to balance myself better, I placed one of my hands on the stove, while reaching for the sprinkles. I didn?t think anything was wrong because I had felt no pain. No pain at all.?
?So I guess you wouldn?t want any local pain killers for the burns??
?No. I don?t need anything like that.?
I could tell that Rick was trying to make me laugh or at least not feel quite so bad about the burns on my hand. He could also tell that I was somewhat distant which I think he placed most of that blame on the burns and me realizing that I wasn?t acting like a normal child towards the initial reaction.
After asking me that, he went about trying to get bandages and various things like that, so he could properly dress my burns. I could tell that he was trying to act normal even though the whole thing perplexed him. I could tell he wasn?t sure what was going on. A minute later, he casually asked my mother outside for a ?private? talk. There was some discussion and some raised voices but after a few minutes, they came back in. I could tell that my mother was somewhat upset about what?s going on but she put on her poker face because she didn?t want me to worry too much about what?s going on.
?Maryanna, we need to give you some tests to see about some things. They shouldn?t hurt too much, okay?? said Rick. He was always very kind to me.
I didn?t know what to say. I tried to look everywhere but into the eyes of my mom or Rick. In the end, I just nodded my head. My mom and I left the doctor?s office to only go back a couple of days later.
</end>
My lab rat years were only beginning shortly after that first doctor?s appointment. I didn?t realize how much of a medical treasure I was for a long time but I guess I should have known based on the many and many various doctors I met and the various ones that took the time to poke and probe me. After a while, I was even having doctors from half way around the world to come and visit me. Didn?t I just feel so special? Needless to say, I kept going in and out of hospitals during those couple of years. I think between the ages of 4 and 8, I was at home for a total of 18 months total. In order to keep up in school, my mom hired a tutor that would come to me at home or in the hospital, so I wouldn?t fall too behind in education. My mom always believed that if I did keep up with my studies, I would end up at a normal school with the normal children. Her dream of course didn?t become true for a while because as long as the testing was going on, I never was able to have the energy or the strength to go to normal school. I liked my tutor. She treated me very well.
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| Friday, January 25th, 2002
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10:01 pm - story time
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i got inspird tonight and wrote some more of the story. i've gotten to the point where i would like some early on in the story criticism. see, i'm at a point where i don't know fully where to go. everyone and anyone can comment because i do believe even non-lj peopel can comment (just use annonymous. but i would like it if you do leave your name. don't have to. but it would be good). actually, more the better. thanks to all who do, in advance. without further delay:
The Girl with no feelings
?Watch out or you are going to burn yourself, mary anna?. My mom was constantly screaming this at me. She knew that I would not always aware of what I was doing early on. She learned when early on in my childhood, that I had a flaw with my body. It was not very visible flaw, but one that could cause severe enough damage that it could be shown thru the skin. It?s a flaw that can run deep thru the mind and body. See, I have this defect among me that very few other people have or know of. Yes, that?s right, I?m a lab rat for some doctors about whether or not one could survive with my freaking hell annoying condition.
See, when I was about 4 years old, my mom one time noticed that I accidentally put my hand on the hot burner. She immediately came over to me in fear that I would be in complete tears and had severe burns. Instead, I was there going about my business not realizing that my hand was starting to burn. Once I heard my mom screaming at me, I looked down and noticed that my hand had turned a really reddish color. One big reddish klump soon formed in the center of my hand. There was a part of me that wanted to cry because I thought when something like this happened, you are supposed to cry. There was nothing for me to cry about. My hand was looking more and more red and yet, I felt nothing. I had no pain. My mother immediately put some ice on it, in hopes of trying to prevent some of the burns and then took me to the doctor to get an official assessment of the situation. My doctor was very impressed that I didn?t need some type of pain killers for the pain. He thought that for sure I would be crying uncontrollably and not allow him do all the various things he needed to do to my hand. He was so intrigued that he decided to test some of his hypothesis about my flaw. Soon, he realized that he was right because under no situation whatsoever, I ever screamed or cried or anything like that because I felt nothing. Nothing at all.
Yes, that?s right. I was born with no nerve endings. Do you know what it is like to go through life not knowing pain or feelings in relationships, like with holding hands? Do you know what it is like to explain to your current significant other that it?s not them but me because I don?t understand all of the emotions that travel thru one another when hugging or holding hands or snuggling? Or that it?s not my significant other?s fault that I don?t orgasm or moan in pleasures during sex? Or that I get so excited when he goes over various spots that should make me moan or orgasm (or at least according to my last, um?:quickly counts on fingers:?15 boyfriends)? Nor do I understand why I should pay such ridiculous prices for some really outrageous underwear, especially since I get nothing, absolutely nothing, from it?
My mother says that I?ve grown up very fast from it. I had to learn very early on how to be more perspective of things that might hurt me, even though I would not physically know it due to the lack of nerve endings. I was especially careful when I was around various other children because I knew that would call me various names like ?freak! Weirdo!? and I would be out casted forever from their social circles. Never invited to any parties or gatherings or anything else. Always the last one picked in class projects or gym. But sure enough, one time I wasn?t careful enough. They found out. It was only during many years of therapy that in the end, I was able to start socializing with people again without running away. Do you understand the emotional scars? The scars that are always there without physically being there? Scars that haunt you for a very long time because you refuse to deal with them when they are present, so they take up residence in this little vault in the back of your head, until the door is pushed wide open without any warning or without a failsafe lock. I need to remind myself to get one of those really good failsafe locks for that mind fault. But when these thoughts and emotions start flooding your mind and body until the point where you can?t think or sleep or talk about anything else besides realizing how much different you are. How much you won?t be normal because of the fact that you have no nerve endings? Normalcy would make me fit in better. Normalcy would not allow me to have a more normal life than I do know because I would not be so outcasted nor so down looked upon by both teachers and students. But yes, there are exceptions to every rule. Not many, but a few.
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| Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
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10:23 am - since everyone did it....
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Str: 3
Int: 13
Wis: 17
Dex: 11
Con: 9
Chr: 14
hm. i don't know if i like the fact that my strength is SO low but yeah. merf. the fact taht my wisdom is high, i like that. dude. and charisma is decently high too. but my strength adn the constitution(?) just SO sucks, but what else is new, eh?
anyway, should prolly go off adn be goofy. i have a full day where i dont' ahve to do anything or be anywhere. my mom jokes taht i must have made a mistake some where because on my days off from work, i tend to ALWAYS have at least one thing plan. oh well! it will make up for the next couple of months when i will be studying hard for my classes and going to classes. merf.
slarti: if your lj does work, please let me know. also, please try to add me as a friend and i will try to do the same for you.thanks! ttyl!
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| Saturday, June 9th, 2001
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12:38 am - oh, i forgot to say...
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two things:
1. for those that care ,i am being adventurous by trying to be honest iwht everyone. i'm tired of lying to people.
2. "stalker": yes, silence is golden. if you need anything, please don't hestitate to holler. whether it is someone to rant to or be silly with, you know where to find me. =) hope things get better soon!
k. bed. right.
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ashke's journal